#07

It’s been a while — almost a month. I’m still kicking. In fact, I was offered a job just the other day. I’m waiting for some paperwork to go through and then I can start. I’m approaching it with a little trepidation, but I am also massively excited. My life is finally gaining some momentum again. The work isn’t particularly lucrative so I’m a little worried about how difficult it may be to find somewhere to rent, but I’m determined to make it happen. I can’t wait to have my own apartment and live my own life again.

One thing I’ve noticed, coming out of a long-term relationship, is how much my confidence has fluctuated. The first few months were awful — I felt like I could barely show my face to anybody. I was solitary and anxious. Then when I had to move out of my apartment and go about my way as a singular person, dealing with everyday life independently, I slowly adopted a sort of ‘who cares’ attitude.

My ex-girlfriend and I did everything together. We worked together, lived together and accompanied each other all over the place. I relied on her a lot — she was my comfort. When I lost her, my confidence and tranquility disappeared. I felt as though I would remain a husk forever, but I feel now that I have become a stronger person. Tasks which appeared daunting before no longer seem so bad and I carry myself, not so much with confidence, but with assurance and self-reliance. I used to exist as a unit — I had me and my love — now I exist alone and I feel myself slowly adapting.

I enjoy this newfound fortitude, but that’s not to say I don’t miss the past. Every day I yearn for those erstwhile times. Sorrowful feelings and thoughts pass through my mind every day. What pains me most these days is how she’s just moved on with her life, like it was no trouble at all. I’ve reached out to her, but she seems so disinterested. Was our time together really that inconsequential? It wasn’t to me. Despite the pain, I truly believe in holding on to those who were and are close.

But I feel like I’ll never receive any solace or closure regarding our relationship. Because of her, I will never truly be whole again, but I have said that I want to remain friends — that I want her in my life. I don’t want to feel like our time together was for nothing, I told her. Yet, she seems set on confining me to history. That really tears me up. It keeps me awake at night. If that’s the way it’s going to go, what was it all for? Twelve years seems like a lifetime to me, but apparently it was nothing much to her. I can’t believe that’s the end of our story. What was it all for?

#06

Hello again. Sorry it’s been so long since I last visited. I wanted to hold off until I had a job so I could write about something more positive, but positivity and good fortune aren’t currently aspects of my life. I’ve settled down a little and am feeling more comfortable with my surroundings and myself, but everyday I still long for what was.

It’s almost three months to the day when my world fell apart. I have yet to find any of the pieces. I remain in limbo — lost and unhappy. I still think about her every day. Sometimes I wonder if I miss the memories more than the person. The tiniest, most seemingly insignificant things cause me to feel so forlorn; like the odd pet names we used to call each other, or how we’d try and guess each others favourite songs, or even the specific food we used to buy and the glasses we used to drink from. To think that’s all over now. We will make no more memories like that. I can scarcely believe it. Chris Isaak put it best…

I’d never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you
And I’d never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you

Sometimes, when I’m walking, these memories come flooding back so suddenly. My breaths turn to sighs and the tears begin flowing. I wonder when — if ever — this will stop. I used to think my life was rather uneventful, but it’s only now I realise how blissful those idle times were. Life was routine, but I was happy and I had someone to share it with. It’s dreadful being betrayed and lied to by someone you love so dearly, in the most rawest sense of the word. I truly dread the way I feel. I have an intense anger because of what she did, but at the same time I still feel affection and love. I go back and forth between these feelings, welling up nothing but confusion and pain. As per the film Il Mare, I am tormented because love goes on, not because it ends.

I’m going to sign up with an agency tomorrow. I wanted to find permanent work because I want to rent a new apartment, but I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. Landlords will be reluctant to have me as a temp, but at least I can try. I’ve had some interviews and a few leads these past few weeks, but all were ultimately dead ends. I think it’s so cruel how some employers don’t get back to you after an interview. I walked eight miles in the pouring rain so I could attend an interview last week. I thought it went well and they said they would be in touch and that’s the last thing I heard. I can set aside my entire day for them, but they can’t even write me a simple email to tell me I was unsuccessful. I have to sit and wait, clutching at straws until I finally accept how discourteous they are. It’s horrible.

I wish I had something positive to say. I really do. Life is just not that easy sometimes. It’s a constant loop between harmony and conflict and right now nothing is going my way. It’s at this point someone might say — the only way is up! But melancholy has been a constant for so long now, I feel I will never truly make my way back to where I was. I can only forge a new path, but nobody can really say where it will lead.

#05

I moved out and I’ve been regretting it ever since. I was left alone in the apartment after my relationship came crashing down and I thought I had to get away, to escape from the memories we had made there — to move on. I miss it so much, though. Right now I’m staying with my mother and I’m very grateful to have somewhere to stay, but I feel like I don’t belong here. My parents split when I was very young and I have no memories of ever living with my mother. She has her own life — I should have stayed where I was. I miss the comfort of being alone. I feel so awkward here.

I keep hoping a new job will come my way and I’ll be able to get a new place of my own, but I underestimated how difficult it was. I saw an advert last week for a job that felt perfect for me. I had previous experience and the same sort of qualifications they were after — I was in contention for sure, I thought. I never even heard back. Maybe I will have to settle for something I hate, just to put my life in motion again.

My ex-girlfriend doesn’t talk to me anymore. She won’t reply to anything I send. I think she’s gone to stay with her new beau already. It’s so cruel. Because of her, I feel so despondent. We’ve known each other for twelve years, but it has amounted to nothing. How could anybody treat someone like that? Am I nothing to her now? If so, what was the point in our relationship? What was the point in getting to know each other at all.

I often hear that during a break-up and times of distress, it’s important to be around people. Right now, I am around my mother, my step-father and my three half-brothers, but I feel so lonely. I was more comfortable when I was by myself. Sometimes I think about just disappearing. I just want to leave for somewhere — just walk in a direction and get away from everything. I am truly lost.

#04

Hello, friend. I’ve just been informed by the lettings people that they’ve likely found a new tenant for the apartment I currently rent. This time next week, I will have probably vacated. Two months ago I had a steady job, a nice apartment and a long-term girlfriend — now I have nothing. My life feels so empty right now.

I considered staying here, but — as tough as it is — I know I have to move on. Have you seen that Ben Affleck movie The Town? There’s a quote in that film that goes something like: “I’m leaving this city. Maybe if I go, I can stop looking.” This apartment was mine and hers. By leaving, maybe I can start a new chapter and stop dwelling on the past.

My mum has said I can stay with her until I am able to get a new job and a place of my own. I’m hesitant, though. She has a full house already and I don’t want to impose, but I’m not so proud to deny that I need some help right now. I feel very alone and I need some guidance.

All this drama feels as if it happened so long ago, but my heart still aches and I feel no solace. I’ve been stuck in limbo for a while, so maybe a change is what I need. I hope I can get my life back on track. I hope my next entry will be more positive.

#03

Hello. Sorry I haven’t visited recently. It’s been over a month now since my love betrayed me. I’m feeling much the same as last time — generally okay, but living an uneventful and forlorn existence, with sudden splurges of heightened emotion.

I get so angry when I try to sleep at night. Lying in bed alone, all I can think about is how I’ve been deceived and how broken I feel. Why do people deceive those who love and care about them? Have they no courtesy? If you’ve fallen out of love, why not end it and at least try to salvage a friendship. Why continue on and mislead your apparent lover — it’s cowardly.

A break-up is a break-up and it’s usually devastating for at least one person. People do change, though. If you’re out of love, then you’re out of love. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. For the other, it will be painful, but it will be bittersweet. In time, good memories will remain good memories and perhaps a friendship will emerge, as it once was.

But when people deceive and lie and cheat, how do you go on? How do you salvage anything? Good memories turn sour and your time together becomes unfathomable. If you’re going to hurt me so, what was it all for? If you truly loved me — at least a tiny bit — how can you be unfaithful? People change. I guess some become villains. I plead anyone who has fallen out of love to end it as amicably as possible. Do not play with peoples emotions, especially those who care about you.

It hurts beyond measure, for a lover to betray you. Especially one you have trusted and known for more than half your entire life. That first week, nothing made sense. I was lost. There was this absolutely desolate feeling the first time I fell asleep. I discovered she had been cheating on me, yet I wished myself asleep and I begged to wake up and for it to have all been a dream. It was hopeless, but it’s all I could do. It was one of the worse feelings I have ever felt.

Today I am doing okay. The pain and anger still linger, but I know I have to move on. Yet I miss her. She broke me. Yet I miss her. I miss what we were and I miss our life. There’s a lot I miss. I’m trying to move on and mostly I feel okay, but sometimes I struggle so much.

She came by to collect the rest of her things earlier today. I had gone to visit family for the weekend so I wasn’t in — but all of her belongings are gone now. There’s barely a trace of her. Is that how easy it is for someone to exit your life? I’m reminded of a South Korean film called One Fine Spring Day. It’s about a couple who fall in and out of love. When they break up, the man questions the woman — “How can love disappear so fast?” — but she has no response. Later on the two meet again and the woman tries to rekindle things with the man, but he refuses her gift and the two silently hug and go their own ways.

I wonder — can that be me? Now her things are gone, I don’t know if I will see her again. We spent every day together for the past four years. Now I am alone. The landlord will be renting the apartment to somebody else soon. It’s a lovely place, but I don’t feel like I belong here anymore. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where to go.

#02

It has now been almost two weeks since I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me. Since then, I’ve been by myself pretty much exclusively, which has been lonely and at times unsettling, but compared to the first few days, I have been getting by more comfortably.

I’ve been keeping myself occupied by sorting through all of my things. My father recently moved house, so the miscellany of items I had left behind in his loft returned to me. There’s a lot of stuff from my childhood — it makes me feel all the more forlorn.

I’ve been able to laugh again, though. Movies have been a great escape and have offered me glimpses of hope. I caught The Shawshank Redemption on TV, which is always a great watch in all situations. Yesterday I saw Why Don’t You Play in Hell, directed by Sion Sono. It was a lot of fun and left me feeling slightly more upbeat. Sometimes it feels as though I am closing my eyes to reality, though. I try not to think about my situation and am floating through the days.

Late nights are the worst. I don’t sleep until the morning and I rarely go into the bedroom. I sleep on the sofa and leave something on in the background — a podcast, music or television programme — because it makes me feel less alone. The little things are really eating away at me. I went to the shop to get some food yesterday and felt a great sense of distress, because it’s something I used to do with my girlfriend. Even advertisements for TV shows we used to watch together well up an intense abjection within me.

I really wish I had the courage and spirit to move on, but she was my first love and to be betrayed in such a way has left deep wounds. I wonder when the day will come where she won’t cross my mind or appear in my dreams. It will take time.

#01

It’s been a week since I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me. We had been together for almost four and a half years and had known each other for twelve. I had noticed over the past few weeks that she had become very secretive regarding her mobile phone. She would tilt the screen away when sat beside me, use it mostly out of view and wouldn’t let me look at it to check the time when she never used to mind.

Obviously, something was up.

In the early hours of New Year’s Day, she had fallen asleep before me, so I had a look at her phone. The moment I turned the screen on, there were messages from somebody I didn’t know. I opened them up and found conversations dating back a couple of months that contained confessions of love, flirting and explicit images and videos. From the messages, I could work out the mystery person was one of her pen-pals and she planned to go and stay with them.

I read all of the messages, but one that hurt the most was fairly innocent compared to the rest. We had been celebrating the approaching New Year and were awaiting the fireworks on television and I remember her turning to me saying “ten minutes to go!” My heart sank when I saw she had said the same exact thing to her new beau. I felt so deceived.

When I woke her up and confronted her about it, all she could say was that I shouldn’t have looked at her phone. I was visibly upset, but she didn’t seem phased and wasn’t apologetic. I went into the bedroom and she slept on the couch. The next day she went to stay with her brother.

It’s difficult to describe how I felt. The first day all I could think about was how it was over. My mind would just replay the same thought constantly. After that came the sorrow and the depression. I then repeatedly questioned what the past four years were for. It’s been a tough week and I’ve probably cried more over the past seven days than I have the last few years.

I ended up quitting my job, because we both worked there and I knew she wouldn’t return. I was too dejected and didn’t feel like talking to anybody. We also rent the same apartment, which will inevitably disappear from my life soon, too. To go from a relatively peaceful life, with a long-term girlfriend, a job that pays the bills and a nice apartment to pretty much nothing is more devastating than I can describe.

I feel so lost and alone and can’t imagine a future anymore. For the last four years, a day hadn’t gone by without my girlfriend. We had our ups and downs like any couple, but generally got on well and had a lot in common. We lived together and worked together — we shared our lives with each other. It hurts so much to think about what she did and to recall those messages.

I don’t know what will happen now.