It has now been almost two weeks since I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me. Since then, I’ve been by myself pretty much exclusively, which has been lonely and at times unsettling, but compared to the first few days, I have been getting by more comfortably.
I’ve been keeping myself occupied by sorting through all of my things. My father recently moved house, so the miscellany of items I had left behind in his loft returned to me. There’s a lot of stuff from my childhood — it makes me feel all the more forlorn.
I’ve been able to laugh again, though. Movies have been a great escape and have offered me glimpses of hope. I caught The Shawshank Redemption on TV, which is always a great watch in all situations. Yesterday I saw Why Don’t You Play in Hell, directed by Sion Sono. It was a lot of fun and left me feeling slightly more upbeat. Sometimes it feels as though I am closing my eyes to reality, though. I try not to think about my situation and am floating through the days.
Late nights are the worst. I don’t sleep until the morning and I rarely go into the bedroom. I sleep on the sofa and leave something on in the background — a podcast, music or television programme — because it makes me feel less alone. The little things are really eating away at me. I went to the shop to get some food yesterday and felt a great sense of distress, because it’s something I used to do with my girlfriend. Even advertisements for TV shows we used to watch together well up an intense abjection within me.
I really wish I had the courage and spirit to move on, but she was my first love and to be betrayed in such a way has left deep wounds. I wonder when the day will come where she won’t cross my mind or appear in my dreams. It will take time.