#03

Hello. Sorry I haven’t visited recently. It’s been over a month now since my love betrayed me. I’m feeling much the same as last time — generally okay, but living an uneventful and forlorn existence, with sudden splurges of heightened emotion.

I get so angry when I try to sleep at night. Lying in bed alone, all I can think about is how I’ve been deceived and how broken I feel. Why do people deceive those who love and care about them? Have they no courtesy? If you’ve fallen out of love, why not end it and at least try to salvage a friendship. Why continue on and mislead your apparent lover — it’s cowardly.

A break-up is a break-up and it’s usually devastating for at least one person. People do change, though. If you’re out of love, then you’re out of love. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. For the other, it will be painful, but it will be bittersweet. In time, good memories will remain good memories and perhaps a friendship will emerge, as it once was.

But when people deceive and lie and cheat, how do you go on? How do you salvage anything? Good memories turn sour and your time together becomes unfathomable. If you’re going to hurt me so, what was it all for? If you truly loved me — at least a tiny bit — how can you be unfaithful? People change. I guess some become villains. I plead anyone who has fallen out of love to end it as amicably as possible. Do not play with peoples emotions, especially those who care about you.

It hurts beyond measure, for a lover to betray you. Especially one you have trusted and known for more than half your entire life. That first week, nothing made sense. I was lost. There was this absolutely desolate feeling the first time I fell asleep. I discovered she had been cheating on me, yet I wished myself asleep and I begged to wake up and for it to have all been a dream. It was hopeless, but it’s all I could do. It was one of the worse feelings I have ever felt.

Today I am doing okay. The pain and anger still linger, but I know I have to move on. Yet I miss her. She broke me. Yet I miss her. I miss what we were and I miss our life. There’s a lot I miss. I’m trying to move on and mostly I feel okay, but sometimes I struggle so much.

She came by to collect the rest of her things earlier today. I had gone to visit family for the weekend so I wasn’t in — but all of her belongings are gone now. There’s barely a trace of her. Is that how easy it is for someone to exit your life? I’m reminded of a South Korean film called One Fine Spring Day. It’s about a couple who fall in and out of love. When they break up, the man questions the woman — “How can love disappear so fast?” — but she has no response. Later on the two meet again and the woman tries to rekindle things with the man, but he refuses her gift and the two silently hug and go their own ways.

I wonder — can that be me? Now her things are gone, I don’t know if I will see her again. We spent every day together for the past four years. Now I am alone. The landlord will be renting the apartment to somebody else soon. It’s a lovely place, but I don’t feel like I belong here anymore. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where to go.

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