#05

I moved out and I’ve been regretting it ever since. I was left alone in the apartment after my relationship came crashing down and I thought I had to get away, to escape from the memories we had made there — to move on. I miss it so much, though. Right now I’m staying with my mother and I’m very grateful to have somewhere to stay, but I feel like I don’t belong here. My parents split when I was very young and I have no memories of ever living with my mother. She has her own life — I should have stayed where I was. I miss the comfort of being alone. I feel so awkward here.

I keep hoping a new job will come my way and I’ll be able to get a new place of my own, but I underestimated how difficult it was. I saw an advert last week for a job that felt perfect for me. I had previous experience and the same sort of qualifications they were after — I was in contention for sure, I thought. I never even heard back. Maybe I will have to settle for something I hate, just to put my life in motion again.

My ex-girlfriend doesn’t talk to me anymore. She won’t reply to anything I send. I think she’s gone to stay with her new beau already. It’s so cruel. Because of her, I feel so despondent. We’ve known each other for twelve years, but it has amounted to nothing. How could anybody treat someone like that? Am I nothing to her now? If so, what was the point in our relationship? What was the point in getting to know each other at all.

I often hear that during a break-up and times of distress, it’s important to be around people. Right now, I am around my mother, my step-father and my three half-brothers, but I feel so lonely. I was more comfortable when I was by myself. Sometimes I think about just disappearing. I just want to leave for somewhere — just walk in a direction and get away from everything. I am truly lost.

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