#06

Hello again. Sorry it’s been so long since I last visited. I wanted to hold off until I had a job so I could write about something more positive, but positivity and good fortune aren’t currently aspects of my life. I’ve settled down a little and am feeling more comfortable with my surroundings and myself, but everyday I still long for what was.

It’s almost three months to the day when my world fell apart. I have yet to find any of the pieces. I remain in limbo — lost and unhappy. I still think about her every day. Sometimes I wonder if I miss the memories more than the person. The tiniest, most seemingly insignificant things cause me to feel so forlorn; like the odd pet names we used to call each other, or how we’d try and guess each others favourite songs, or even the specific food we used to buy and the glasses we used to drink from. To think that’s all over now. We will make no more memories like that. I can scarcely believe it. Chris Isaak put it best…

I’d never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you
And I’d never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you

Sometimes, when I’m walking, these memories come flooding back so suddenly. My breaths turn to sighs and the tears begin flowing. I wonder when — if ever — this will stop. I used to think my life was rather uneventful, but it’s only now I realise how blissful those idle times were. Life was routine, but I was happy and I had someone to share it with. It’s dreadful being betrayed and lied to by someone you love so dearly, in the most rawest sense of the word. I truly dread the way I feel. I have an intense anger because of what she did, but at the same time I still feel affection and love. I go back and forth between these feelings, welling up nothing but confusion and pain. As per the film Il Mare, I am tormented because love goes on, not because it ends.

I’m going to sign up with an agency tomorrow. I wanted to find permanent work because I want to rent a new apartment, but I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. Landlords will be reluctant to have me as a temp, but at least I can try. I’ve had some interviews and a few leads these past few weeks, but all were ultimately dead ends. I think it’s so cruel how some employers don’t get back to you after an interview. I walked eight miles in the pouring rain so I could attend an interview last week. I thought it went well and they said they would be in touch and that’s the last thing I heard. I can set aside my entire day for them, but they can’t even write me a simple email to tell me I was unsuccessful. I have to sit and wait, clutching at straws until I finally accept how discourteous they are. It’s horrible.

I wish I had something positive to say. I really do. Life is just not that easy sometimes. It’s a constant loop between harmony and conflict and right now nothing is going my way. It’s at this point someone might say — the only way is up! But melancholy has been a constant for so long now, I feel I will never truly make my way back to where I was. I can only forge a new path, but nobody can really say where it will lead.

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