Hello. How are you? I’m doing better. Still lonely and down, but not as distraught or lost. It’s been over a year now, both since my relationship ended and since I started this blog. In the weeks and months following the breakup, this point seemed so far off. I couldn’t imagine tomorrow, let alone a year from now. Sometimes I thought it would be better if I didn’t even see tomorrow. I was alone and in a very dark place. Sometimes it does get bad (my previous post was a little unsettled) and I still have a very long way to go, but I am doing better
Today is a free day. I don’t have work, or any studying to do. I might even go to the cinema. I’m not really bound by much, and sometimes I get a little excited about living life for myself, and being able to do what I want to do, but at the same time I miss having a friend, and I miss the shared experiences. It’s one of my dreams to visit Japan and South Korea, but I have nobody to go with. I really wish I could find someone who didn’t mind spending a little time with me.
The truth is, I’m not very good at meeting people, especially now. Despite a twelve year history with my ex-girlfriend and a relationship that spanned almost five years, I was discarded in favour of somebody else like none of it ever mattered — like I didn’t matter. My confidence has been all over the place since then, and now it’s kind of fizzled away. Being betrayed and disposed of by the person I loved most in the world left me feeling half-baked. I feel like I’m not interesting enough, not attractive enough, not good enough. I feel like I’m not worth knowing. I’m sure I give off a “Don’t talk to me! I’m a loner.” sort of vibe. It’s tough. I’ll be thirty in three years and I’ve only ever been in one relationship, and I feel as though I’ll never be in another again. Who would settle for me? Even if a miracle were to happen, how am I supposed to open up? I’m a closed book and I’ll probably always be a closed book.
I try not to think about that stuff, but it does invade my mind more than I wish it did. I like what I study at university, but I dread going in because I feel like I don’t belong. I’m glad there are only a few months of lessons left. I have a rough idea of what I’m going to do afterwards, but I don’t have anything solid planned. I’ve just been taking the days as they come, but I want to commit myself to my studies more, and put more time into my interests and hobbies. I just want to start doing things before I waste away. Please wish me luck.