#12

Hello. How are you? I’m doing better. Still lonely and down, but not as distraught or lost. It’s been over a year now, both since my relationship ended and since I started this blog. In the weeks and months following the breakup, this point seemed so far off. I couldn’t imagine tomorrow, let alone a year from now. Sometimes I thought it would be better if I didn’t even see tomorrow. I was alone and in a very dark place. Sometimes it does get bad (my previous post was a little unsettled) and I still have a very long way to go, but I am doing better

Today is a free day. I don’t have work, or any studying to do. I might even go to the cinema. I’m not really bound by much, and sometimes I get a little excited about living life for myself, and being able to do what I want to do, but at the same time I miss having a friend, and I miss the shared experiences. It’s one of my dreams to visit Japan and South Korea, but I have nobody to go with. I really wish I could find someone who didn’t mind spending a little time with me.

The truth is, I’m not very good at meeting people, especially now. Despite a twelve year history with my ex-girlfriend and a relationship that spanned almost five years, I was discarded in favour of somebody else like none of it ever mattered — like I didn’t matter. My confidence has been all over the place since then, and now it’s kind of fizzled away. Being betrayed and disposed of by the person I loved most in the world left me feeling half-baked. I feel like I’m not interesting enough, not attractive enough, not good enough. I feel like I’m not worth knowing. I’m sure I give off a “Don’t talk to me! I’m a loner.” sort of vibe. It’s tough. I’ll be thirty in three years and I’ve only ever been in one relationship, and I feel as though I’ll never be in another again. Who would settle for me? Even if a miracle were to happen, how am I supposed to open up? I’m a closed book and I’ll probably always be a closed book.

I try not to think about that stuff, but it does invade my mind more than I wish it did. I like what I study at university, but I dread going in because I feel like I don’t belong. I’m glad there are only a few months of lessons left. I have a rough idea of what I’m going to do afterwards, but I don’t have anything solid planned. I’ve just been taking the days as they come, but I want to commit myself to my studies more, and put more time into my interests and hobbies. I just want to start doing things before I waste away. Please wish me luck.

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#07

It’s been a while — almost a month. I’m still kicking. In fact, I was offered a job just the other day. I’m waiting for some paperwork to go through and then I can start. I’m approaching it with a little trepidation, but I am also massively excited. My life is finally gaining some momentum again. The work isn’t particularly lucrative so I’m a little worried about how difficult it may be to find somewhere to rent, but I’m determined to make it happen. I can’t wait to have my own apartment and live my own life again.

One thing I’ve noticed, coming out of a long-term relationship, is how much my confidence has fluctuated. The first few months were awful — I felt like I could barely show my face to anybody. I was solitary and anxious. Then when I had to move out of my apartment and go about my way as a singular person, dealing with everyday life independently, I slowly adopted a sort of ‘who cares’ attitude.

My ex-girlfriend and I did everything together. We worked together, lived together and accompanied each other all over the place. I relied on her a lot — she was my comfort. When I lost her, my confidence and tranquility disappeared. I felt as though I would remain a husk forever, but I feel now that I have become a stronger person. Tasks which appeared daunting before no longer seem so bad and I carry myself, not so much with confidence, but with assurance and self-reliance. I used to exist as a unit — I had me and my love — now I exist alone and I feel myself slowly adapting.

I enjoy this newfound fortitude, but that’s not to say I don’t miss the past. Every day I yearn for those erstwhile times. Sorrowful feelings and thoughts pass through my mind every day. What pains me most these days is how she’s just moved on with her life, like it was no trouble at all. I’ve reached out to her, but she seems so disinterested. Was our time together really that inconsequential? It wasn’t to me. Despite the pain, I truly believe in holding on to those who were and are close.

But I feel like I’ll never receive any solace or closure regarding our relationship. Because of her, I will never truly be whole again, but I have said that I want to remain friends — that I want her in my life. I don’t want to feel like our time together was for nothing, I told her. Yet, she seems set on confining me to history. That really tears me up. It keeps me awake at night. If that’s the way it’s going to go, what was it all for? Twelve years seems like a lifetime to me, but apparently it was nothing much to her. I can’t believe that’s the end of our story. What was it all for?