#09

Hello. It’s me again. Two months have passed since I last visited, but I don’t have much in terms of an update. Mainly I have just been working and resting, whilst I wait for my MA course to begin, which is in a couple of weeks. Everything is very trivial right now — days come and go — but I’m hoping that changes once I resume my studies.

I’ve made it this far… Such a thought came to me the other day. This year has been the most tumultuous and difficult of my entire life, but it will be Winter again soon, and I’ve come a long way since January.

It was the early hours of the very first day of the year when I discovered my girlfriend had been cheating on me. Despite being together for almost five years, and despite knowing each other for nearly a decade and a half, she promptly left and never looked back. Not once did I feel any true remorse from her, and I was hurting for so many reasons — because I had been betrayed, because she didn’t seem to care, because I was alone, and because everything had been for nothing. I didn’t feel like I had a future anymore.

After she left, I spent the first two months alone in our apartment, the contents and very shape of which had become a harsh reminder of better days. Once I got out of there, I spent a couple of months with my mother, step-father and three half-brothers. I am very grateful that I had somewhere to stay, but it was a squeeze to say the least and I was living out of a rucksack. Sometimes I could tell they wanted space, so I tried to make myself scarce. I would walk for hours and think. For half a year I couldn’t be happy.

Once I got my own place, the days became calmer and easier to endure, but recently I have been feeling very strange. The best way I can describe it, is I feel confused, but I don’t really know why or what about. I used to feel as though things were tangible, but now everything feels very warped and disorderly and it makes me anxious. It doesn’t make a lot of sense.

I feel lonely a lot. It’s difficult to meet new people, let alone make friends. It’s pathetic, really. I am still young, but sometimes I think I’ll just be alone forever. I’m hoping going back to university will be a positive experience, and there will be lots of friendly people to speak to.

I still think about my ex-girlfriend a lot, especially at night when I’m trying to sleep. It’s all my mind can focus on sometimes. Usually I end up feeling angry about what she did and the way she treated me afterwards, but sometimes I miss her a lot. Last night I dreamed that we met up again. I only remember fragments, but it made me feel very fragile how much a part of me she still is, whereas I am completely absent from her new life. It was her Birthday the other day, and I emailed to wish her well, but I doubt she will respond. She doesn’t talk to me anymore. I don’t understand how she can treat me that way. I thought I knew her well, but now it’s like I didn’t really know her at all.

Whenever I write these posts, it always seems like I come back to the same topic at the end, and ruminate about all these things that make me sad. I read a lot online about people in similar situations who have gone through rough break-ups. Everyone deals with things differently and at their own pace, and I am certainly better than I was a couple of months ago, but it feels like a part of me will always be longing for this past love. I don’t think people really do ‘move on’ from experiences like this, they just learn to cope and live with it.

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#08

Greetings. It’s been a long time. Almost three months, in fact. A lot has happened in my life and I wanted to keep up to date with this blog and log my thoughts, but I kept holding off for one piece of news before attempting to write anything. A couple of days ago, I received that news. It turns out I’m going back to university. I’ve been given an unconditional offer to study for a Master’s degree.

Back in April, returning to study hadn’t even crossed my mind — it was my new job that pushed me to apply. The money was nice, and I was finally able to move into a new apartment, but I couldn’t stand the work. I felt so inconsequential. I previously wrote of my life regaining some momentum due to my job offer, but I felt as though my existence was over when I started. I was in a job people stick with until retirement, and that thought ate away at me. The work wasn’t specialised, or meaningful, or motivating — it was just a job. I wasn’t fulfilled or invigorated — I was just depressed, and I wasn’t achieving anything.

I’ve had dead-end jobs before, but I could put up with them because I had a girlfriend. I had somebody with me every night who made me happy. Now I am alone, I have nothing to come back to after a long day’s work in a job that makes me feel so trivial. Lately, I find that one of my biggest fears is that I will live a life of no consequence, but at the same time, I am now free to do and try whatever I want. I have to live for myself now, and I’m not going to be happy unless I am doing something that satisfies me.

So I quit my new job after just six weeks. I now work part-time in retail and start my Master’s in September. If my timetable allows it, I am also planning to study Korean, as it is a language I would really love to learn, having already taught myself Hangul. Every week is full of ups and downs, and while nobody can really say what tomorrow brings, for the first time in a long time I am feeling optimistic.

However, while my personal life is heading in a better direction, my family life has been very strained these past few weeks. My Grandad passed away last month, and my Granduncle passed away last week. My thoughts have been with my Grandma, who lost both a husband and a brother. She is a wonderful woman and a large source of inspiration to me. I was very fond of both my Grandad and my Granduncle. The last thing my Grandad said to me, a couple of weeks before his passing, was regarding my new job. He spoke about it not being ideal, and encouraged me to do something more befitting of my talents. I wish I could update him on all that has happened.

I didn’t get the opportunity to see my Granduncle a lot, but always loved speaking with him when I could. I always remember one thing he said to me — I had recently finished college, and was stuck on how to approach life. I didn’t know what to do, but my Granduncle, he spoke very highly of education, and he said to me that it was something nobody could ever take away from you. That gave me clarity, and though I was in limbo, I felt as though my time hadn’t been wasted. I always remember that, and it is again very relevant to me as I return to study later this year.

They were beautiful people and I will miss them both tremendously. I can scarcely imagine a world without them, but they both lived long and fulfilling lives, surrounded by people who loved them, and I hope they rest well now.

#07

It’s been a while — almost a month. I’m still kicking. In fact, I was offered a job just the other day. I’m waiting for some paperwork to go through and then I can start. I’m approaching it with a little trepidation, but I am also massively excited. My life is finally gaining some momentum again. The work isn’t particularly lucrative so I’m a little worried about how difficult it may be to find somewhere to rent, but I’m determined to make it happen. I can’t wait to have my own apartment and live my own life again.

One thing I’ve noticed, coming out of a long-term relationship, is how much my confidence has fluctuated. The first few months were awful — I felt like I could barely show my face to anybody. I was solitary and anxious. Then when I had to move out of my apartment and go about my way as a singular person, dealing with everyday life independently, I slowly adopted a sort of ‘who cares’ attitude.

My ex-girlfriend and I did everything together. We worked together, lived together and accompanied each other all over the place. I relied on her a lot — she was my comfort. When I lost her, my confidence and tranquility disappeared. I felt as though I would remain a husk forever, but I feel now that I have become a stronger person. Tasks which appeared daunting before no longer seem so bad and I carry myself, not so much with confidence, but with assurance and self-reliance. I used to exist as a unit — I had me and my love — now I exist alone and I feel myself slowly adapting.

I enjoy this newfound fortitude, but that’s not to say I don’t miss the past. Every day I yearn for those erstwhile times. Sorrowful feelings and thoughts pass through my mind every day. What pains me most these days is how she’s just moved on with her life, like it was no trouble at all. I’ve reached out to her, but she seems so disinterested. Was our time together really that inconsequential? It wasn’t to me. Despite the pain, I truly believe in holding on to those who were and are close.

But I feel like I’ll never receive any solace or closure regarding our relationship. Because of her, I will never truly be whole again, but I have said that I want to remain friends — that I want her in my life. I don’t want to feel like our time together was for nothing, I told her. Yet, she seems set on confining me to history. That really tears me up. It keeps me awake at night. If that’s the way it’s going to go, what was it all for? Twelve years seems like a lifetime to me, but apparently it was nothing much to her. I can’t believe that’s the end of our story. What was it all for?

#06

Hello again. Sorry it’s been so long since I last visited. I wanted to hold off until I had a job so I could write about something more positive, but positivity and good fortune aren’t currently aspects of my life. I’ve settled down a little and am feeling more comfortable with my surroundings and myself, but everyday I still long for what was.

It’s almost three months to the day when my world fell apart. I have yet to find any of the pieces. I remain in limbo — lost and unhappy. I still think about her every day. Sometimes I wonder if I miss the memories more than the person. The tiniest, most seemingly insignificant things cause me to feel so forlorn; like the odd pet names we used to call each other, or how we’d try and guess each others favourite songs, or even the specific food we used to buy and the glasses we used to drink from. To think that’s all over now. We will make no more memories like that. I can scarcely believe it. Chris Isaak put it best…

I’d never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you
And I’d never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you

Sometimes, when I’m walking, these memories come flooding back so suddenly. My breaths turn to sighs and the tears begin flowing. I wonder when — if ever — this will stop. I used to think my life was rather uneventful, but it’s only now I realise how blissful those idle times were. Life was routine, but I was happy and I had someone to share it with. It’s dreadful being betrayed and lied to by someone you love so dearly, in the most rawest sense of the word. I truly dread the way I feel. I have an intense anger because of what she did, but at the same time I still feel affection and love. I go back and forth between these feelings, welling up nothing but confusion and pain. As per the film Il Mare, I am tormented because love goes on, not because it ends.

I’m going to sign up with an agency tomorrow. I wanted to find permanent work because I want to rent a new apartment, but I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. Landlords will be reluctant to have me as a temp, but at least I can try. I’ve had some interviews and a few leads these past few weeks, but all were ultimately dead ends. I think it’s so cruel how some employers don’t get back to you after an interview. I walked eight miles in the pouring rain so I could attend an interview last week. I thought it went well and they said they would be in touch and that’s the last thing I heard. I can set aside my entire day for them, but they can’t even write me a simple email to tell me I was unsuccessful. I have to sit and wait, clutching at straws until I finally accept how discourteous they are. It’s horrible.

I wish I had something positive to say. I really do. Life is just not that easy sometimes. It’s a constant loop between harmony and conflict and right now nothing is going my way. It’s at this point someone might say — the only way is up! But melancholy has been a constant for so long now, I feel I will never truly make my way back to where I was. I can only forge a new path, but nobody can really say where it will lead.

#05

I moved out and I’ve been regretting it ever since. I was left alone in the apartment after my relationship came crashing down and I thought I had to get away, to escape from the memories we had made there — to move on. I miss it so much, though. Right now I’m staying with my mother and I’m very grateful to have somewhere to stay, but I feel like I don’t belong here. My parents split when I was very young and I have no memories of ever living with my mother. She has her own life — I should have stayed where I was. I miss the comfort of being alone. I feel so awkward here.

I keep hoping a new job will come my way and I’ll be able to get a new place of my own, but I underestimated how difficult it was. I saw an advert last week for a job that felt perfect for me. I had previous experience and the same sort of qualifications they were after — I was in contention for sure, I thought. I never even heard back. Maybe I will have to settle for something I hate, just to put my life in motion again.

My ex-girlfriend doesn’t talk to me anymore. She won’t reply to anything I send. I think she’s gone to stay with her new beau already. It’s so cruel. Because of her, I feel so despondent. We’ve known each other for twelve years, but it has amounted to nothing. How could anybody treat someone like that? Am I nothing to her now? If so, what was the point in our relationship? What was the point in getting to know each other at all.

I often hear that during a break-up and times of distress, it’s important to be around people. Right now, I am around my mother, my step-father and my three half-brothers, but I feel so lonely. I was more comfortable when I was by myself. Sometimes I think about just disappearing. I just want to leave for somewhere — just walk in a direction and get away from everything. I am truly lost.

#04

Hello, friend. I’ve just been informed by the lettings people that they’ve likely found a new tenant for the apartment I currently rent. This time next week, I will have probably vacated. Two months ago I had a steady job, a nice apartment and a long-term girlfriend — now I have nothing. My life feels so empty right now.

I considered staying here, but — as tough as it is — I know I have to move on. Have you seen that Ben Affleck movie The Town? There’s a quote in that film that goes something like: “I’m leaving this city. Maybe if I go, I can stop looking.” This apartment was mine and hers. By leaving, maybe I can start a new chapter and stop dwelling on the past.

My mum has said I can stay with her until I am able to get a new job and a place of my own. I’m hesitant, though. She has a full house already and I don’t want to impose, but I’m not so proud to deny that I need some help right now. I feel very alone and I need some guidance.

All this drama feels as if it happened so long ago, but my heart still aches and I feel no solace. I’ve been stuck in limbo for a while, so maybe a change is what I need. I hope I can get my life back on track. I hope my next entry will be more positive.

#03

Hello. Sorry I haven’t visited recently. It’s been over a month now since my love betrayed me. I’m feeling much the same as last time — generally okay, but living an uneventful and forlorn existence, with sudden splurges of heightened emotion.

I get so angry when I try to sleep at night. Lying in bed alone, all I can think about is how I’ve been deceived and how broken I feel. Why do people deceive those who love and care about them? Have they no courtesy? If you’ve fallen out of love, why not end it and at least try to salvage a friendship. Why continue on and mislead your apparent lover — it’s cowardly.

A break-up is a break-up and it’s usually devastating for at least one person. People do change, though. If you’re out of love, then you’re out of love. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. For the other, it will be painful, but it will be bittersweet. In time, good memories will remain good memories and perhaps a friendship will emerge, as it once was.

But when people deceive and lie and cheat, how do you go on? How do you salvage anything? Good memories turn sour and your time together becomes unfathomable. If you’re going to hurt me so, what was it all for? If you truly loved me — at least a tiny bit — how can you be unfaithful? People change. I guess some become villains. I plead anyone who has fallen out of love to end it as amicably as possible. Do not play with peoples emotions, especially those who care about you.

It hurts beyond measure, for a lover to betray you. Especially one you have trusted and known for more than half your entire life. That first week, nothing made sense. I was lost. There was this absolutely desolate feeling the first time I fell asleep. I discovered she had been cheating on me, yet I wished myself asleep and I begged to wake up and for it to have all been a dream. It was hopeless, but it’s all I could do. It was one of the worse feelings I have ever felt.

Today I am doing okay. The pain and anger still linger, but I know I have to move on. Yet I miss her. She broke me. Yet I miss her. I miss what we were and I miss our life. There’s a lot I miss. I’m trying to move on and mostly I feel okay, but sometimes I struggle so much.

She came by to collect the rest of her things earlier today. I had gone to visit family for the weekend so I wasn’t in — but all of her belongings are gone now. There’s barely a trace of her. Is that how easy it is for someone to exit your life? I’m reminded of a South Korean film called One Fine Spring Day. It’s about a couple who fall in and out of love. When they break up, the man questions the woman — “How can love disappear so fast?” — but she has no response. Later on the two meet again and the woman tries to rekindle things with the man, but he refuses her gift and the two silently hug and go their own ways.

I wonder — can that be me? Now her things are gone, I don’t know if I will see her again. We spent every day together for the past four years. Now I am alone. The landlord will be renting the apartment to somebody else soon. It’s a lovely place, but I don’t feel like I belong here anymore. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where to go.