Hello. It’s me again. Two months have passed since I last visited, but I don’t have much in terms of an update. Mainly I have just been working and resting, whilst I wait for my MA course to begin, which is in a couple of weeks. Everything is very trivial right now — days come and go — but I’m hoping that changes once I resume my studies.
I’ve made it this far… Such a thought came to me the other day. This year has been the most tumultuous and difficult of my entire life, but it will be Winter again soon, and I’ve come a long way since January.
It was the early hours of the very first day of the year when I discovered my girlfriend had been cheating on me. Despite being together for almost five years, and despite knowing each other for nearly a decade and a half, she promptly left and never looked back. Not once did I feel any true remorse from her, and I was hurting for so many reasons — because I had been betrayed, because she didn’t seem to care, because I was alone, and because everything had been for nothing. I didn’t feel like I had a future anymore.
After she left, I spent the first two months alone in our apartment, the contents and very shape of which had become a harsh reminder of better days. Once I got out of there, I spent a couple of months with my mother, step-father and three half-brothers. I am very grateful that I had somewhere to stay, but it was a squeeze to say the least and I was living out of a rucksack. Sometimes I could tell they wanted space, so I tried to make myself scarce. I would walk for hours and think. For half a year I couldn’t be happy.
Once I got my own place, the days became calmer and easier to endure, but recently I have been feeling very strange. The best way I can describe it, is I feel confused, but I don’t really know why or what about. I used to feel as though things were tangible, but now everything feels very warped and disorderly and it makes me anxious. It doesn’t make a lot of sense.
I feel lonely a lot. It’s difficult to meet new people, let alone make friends. It’s pathetic, really. I am still young, but sometimes I think I’ll just be alone forever. I’m hoping going back to university will be a positive experience, and there will be lots of friendly people to speak to.
I still think about my ex-girlfriend a lot, especially at night when I’m trying to sleep. It’s all my mind can focus on sometimes. Usually I end up feeling angry about what she did and the way she treated me afterwards, but sometimes I miss her a lot. Last night I dreamed that we met up again. I only remember fragments, but it made me feel very fragile how much a part of me she still is, whereas I am completely absent from her new life. It was her Birthday the other day, and I emailed to wish her well, but I doubt she will respond. She doesn’t talk to me anymore. I don’t understand how she can treat me that way. I thought I knew her well, but now it’s like I didn’t really know her at all.
Whenever I write these posts, it always seems like I come back to the same topic at the end, and ruminate about all these things that make me sad. I read a lot online about people in similar situations who have gone through rough break-ups. Everyone deals with things differently and at their own pace, and I am certainly better than I was a couple of months ago, but it feels like a part of me will always be longing for this past love. I don’t think people really do ‘move on’ from experiences like this, they just learn to cope and live with it.