#14

Hello, there. It’s been a little while. Almost half a year, actually. Has much changed? I can’t say that it has. I completed my degree. I took on more hours at work. I renewed my lease. I’m still alone. I’m not really doing anything with my time. I don’t know what I should be doing.

I didn’t make any friends going back to university. On the other hand, I get on quite well with my co-workers, although I don’t see them outside of work. I don’t mind my job, but I only do a 30-hour week. My manager said I could get full time hours if I wanted, but I m reluctant to give up more of my free time. I feel like I’ve grown accustomed to solitude now.

Ideally, I should have taken those hours and I shouldn’t have renewed my lease for another year. The people who live in the apartment below me are extremely aggravating. They are loud all the time. They drive me apeshit. I work nights, so I come home and sleep, then I wake up in the evening to a racket. It stresses me out. I just want some peace and quiet. I would like to move.

I did well on my university coursework, but fear I may have ruined everything with a poor dissertation. I struggled tremendously with motivation. I kept putting it off until I basically ran out of time. I’ll know my final grade next month, but I feel like I’ve let myself down.

I went to a relatives wedding a couple of months ago. It’s actually the first wedding I’ve ever been to. I wasn’t keen on going, to be honest, but I felt like I was obligated as family. It was held abroad, so we were there for around four days. After arriving at the hotel, I went straight to the bar and got drunk. The first day was actually a lot of fun, but during the wedding I felt like I could collapse. All those lovey-dovey occasions left me bitter. Often I found I had no one to talk to, whereas everybody else was either with someone or had attended with somebody.

I went to London last week to attend the London Korean Film Festival’s Opening Gala. I enjoyed myself, but I know I would have enjoyed it more with a friend or two. If only I knew how to get a couple of those. The people sat next to me at the screening were talking about Bae Doona, an actress I also like. I wanted to join the conversation somehow, but sometimes I feel like I have no voice.

I’ve been having some strange nightmares recently. Well, they’re more like sad dreams. I can’t remember what happens in them specifically, but my ex-girlfriend is there, and my mind seems to recapture the intense pain I felt when she left. One time I lay down for a nap and woke up with tears in my eyes. I realised then that the break-up still affects me very deeply. I miss love and companionship. I feel like life isn’t worth living alone.

It will be Christmas next month, thereafter marking two years as an isolated man. Is it convenient or tragic that my relationship ended on New Year’s Day? It’s supposed to represent a fresh beginning, but for me, it felt like the weight of the world had come crashing down upon me. The year ahead had become wretched and one that I didn’t want to see. I can scarcely believe it has been two years already. Unfortunately, it feels like nothing has really happened in that time. Sometimes I just want to scream — what’s it all about? I wonder if people often feel this way. I wonder how she is and what her life is like. I wish I wasn’t left alone with this pain.

How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand… there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep.

Shortly after that dream I mentioned earlier, I suddenly felt like I wanted to get rid of my possessions. I’ve always had a lot of things, but they aren’t essential. I suppose I’ve just never thrown too much away. I’m quite orderly, so a lot of my belongings are packed away neatly in boxes, but I feel like I’m holding onto a lot for emotional reasons rather than practical ones. I want to start cutting down. I feel eager to change my surroundings.

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